Modern day etiquettes for life

Ever since my teen years I had always have long nails. I would take utmost care of my nails. I would shape and file them every week. I would keep my nails clean. I would always ensure that my nails are blunt, so that they would not scratch or hurt anybody. Yet an incident occurred that led me think otherwise.

I was playing with my young nephew. He was 2 years old back then. He had just learnt to speak. We were playing with his toys. While playing he picked up a toy cat. He handed over the cat to me and said, "this is you". Being a cat lover it was the complement of highest status to be compared with a cat.
I asked him why did he think that I am like a cat, "is it because I am cute like a cat?"
My innocent nephew gave me reality check, "because you have claws like kitty". When he said that I quickly looked at my nails. Those long, red painted, perfectly manicured nails seemed like claws to my young nephew. This conversation gave me a different direction to think about.

In the recent times nails and nail art has gained a lot of popularity. Once upon a time short nails and French Manicure were the trend. However nowadays having crazy long fingernails with complicated nailart is the trend. I see a lot of women on social media sporting several centimetre long nails which have intricate or sometimes tacky nail art. Most of the times these do not look good. In most settings these would be considered inappropriate. Moreover such long finger nails are impractical. Anybody with such length of fingernails would definitely have problems in completing the daily task such as texting, typing on the computer, or even adding salt to your food with hands. Keeping such nails clean will be an addon task. Plus there is always a hazard for injury. I have seen a lot of women using these nails like weapons. I still agree with using something like that in self defence however I have seen a lot of women using nails as weapon in crowded places to scratch other people and make way. This is completely in appropriate and unacceptable.

Next let me talk about the agony of breaking long nails. If the nails are natural and they break, then the pain is excruciating. If the nail is fake and it breaks I have seen women causing havoc. I have witnessed such an incident at one of my workplace, where a manicured fake nail broke and the woman started screaming at the person she was accusing of breaking her fingernail. Her accusation was completely about the financial damage that the breakage had cost. She repeatatively mentioned that each of her nail costed over rs 400 and she was asking the accuser to compensate for it. That behaviour was simply atrocious.

Most of these behaviours I have seen only from women however there are instances where men too are guilty of keeping long and sharp fingernails. As today's world is moving towards gender neutrality, men have also started keeping long finger nails which are as harmful as those of women.

This entire discussion bring me neatly to the etiquette that I want to suggest not only to women but also to men: Keep your fingernails short, clean, and blunt. Finger nails are organs and not weapons.

Based on true events.

I had gone to my relative's home for Pooja. Their teenage boy was supposed to be performing the Pooja. When I reached their home, I witnessed of family argument. The parents were asking their son to wear traditional outfits. But there son only wanted to wear shorts and t-shirt. The parents were explaining how shorts are inappropriate for the Pooja. After a long convincing session, the parents had finally suggeated to wear anything other than shorts. They were okay with him to wear trackpants, jeans, trousers, or any other outfit which are not shots. But the teenager was really stubborn and he had decided that either he will wear shorts or he will not sit for the pooja. Finally the parents had given up. They asked their son not to set for the pooja and they themselves carried out the pooja.

This is reality of today. I have seen this attitude among a lot of people. They want to wear shorts for every occasion. They are not even interested in trying any other type of outfit saying that those outfits would be "uncomfortable". This is not only limited to the teenagers but this attitude is among a lot of other age group as well. When because of their inappropriate attire they are asked to not enter any place or not attend any ritual they get offended and play the victim. However what they do not understand is that the fault is in their outfit which is not appropriate for each and every occasion.

Now don't get me wrong. I am in complete favour of comfortable outfits. However there are more than one type of comfortable outfits. Shorts are extremely comfortable, so are cotton pants, cotton trousers, wide leg jeans, cargoes, Indian traditional dhoti, and the list will go on. Even with women we have even more options as compared with the men. We can wear dresses, skirts, in addition to the Western attire that I had suggested for men. It is all about not restricting yourself to one type of outfit.

Another most important aspect is understanding the occasion and the place. For every occasion or for every place there are some set of rules for outfits. If those rules are not followed then the entry to that place or occasion will be restricted. Hence it is a basic courtesy to respect the place or occasion along with the set rules.

I have also seen a lot of people say that the dress codes restrict their "freedom of expression". Then I would ask a few questions to them: will you wear shorts to a job interview and risk getting rejected? Will you wear shorts to a 5 star hotel and risk being humiliated and thrown out of it? If your answer is no then obviously you did understand the rules of dress code. In that case why does dressing appropriately for religious ceremony and religious places restrict your "freedom of expression"?

A lot of people also claim that the restriction is only in India. This is certainly not true. In a lot of countries which are culturally rich will definitely impose a dress code. If you are not dressed appropriately for that place, your entry would be banned. Hence do not connect the dress code to the Indian society, patriarchy, or orthodox thinking. In fact dress codes indicate sophistication, cultural heritage, and rich traditions.

In the end I would like to say that it is essential to dress up appropriately for the occasion. It is not only the right way but it shows your respect to the culture. If you do not want to respect the culture then do yourself a favour: stay away from any cultural or religious activity.

A couple of days ago I read a quote that I found very relatable: People have multiple devices to tell them the time, people are always running to reach somewhere, and still they never reach on time.

Let me tell you something from my own experience. My parents were raised to be punctual. Hence even I was raised to be a punctual person. Punctuality was considered to be a necessity in our household. I was told a simple rule: If you are expected to be somewhere on time then you should reach there at least 10 minutes before the time.

I diligently follow this rule. This is why I never was late to any place or event because of my negligence. The times when I was late to somewhere that was out of my control. Whenever I would be late, I would feel extremely guilty. I would feel guilty for wasting or disrespectimg someone else's time. Yet in modern times this trait of mine had caused nothing but agony to me.

Let me share and example of how frustrating waiting for a someone is. A couple of days ago one of my cousins (who lives nearby) had told us that she would visit us in the evening. She had insisted that she would not stay till dinner and it would be a quick visit. She said that she will come by 6:00 pm. We had been waiting for her. It was 6:15 yet she had not arrived. We had given her a benefit of doubt for traffic or inability to find the transport. She had not turned up by 6:45, that is when I decided to give her a call. Surprisingly she did not pick up the call. We waited for another 15 minutes. At 7 o'clock I called her again. No response this time as well. 15 minutes later I called again and met with the same fate. I thought maybe it would be better to send her a text message. So I sent her a text message but it was still unread till 7:30. That is when I decided to give the call to her teenage son. I asked him when his mother had left home. He told me that his mother left home somewhere after 7 o'clock. When we were speaking it was almost 7:45. My cousin was at the door step at 8 o'clock. Not only that she was 2 hours late but she had not even been answering the phone calls or texts for a very long time. She had no curtesy to inform us that she was running late. Everyone including her son worried whether she was okay. This is how it was an agonising experience.

What I do not like nowadays is not only the punctuality but a complete lack of accountability. When you give someone the time then it is your own responsibility to reach on that time. If you are running late it is your inherent responsibility to inform the other person that you are late so that they are prepared. I used to think that these are basic rules however nowadays these are really rare to see. If these are pointed out to the person who had actually not being punctual and accountable then they get offended. They feel that the other person is singling them out and making them feel bad. But isn't that your own fault? Yet the person who had not been punctual and accountable always feels that they are the victims in the situation.

I wish this was an isolated incident, but this is something I have seen in recent times with people. Being "fashionably late" had never been cool and it will never be cool. Not being a countable for your own actions definitely does not make you look busy but lousy. Your expensive watches, smartphones, and smart watches are absolutely useless if you still can't be anywhere on time. They can show you the time but cannot teach you the value of time.

Unfortunately we are in the times where we have to teach the basic etiquettes and courtesys to people: Be on time. If you are running late then inform the host. You have no right to waste and disrespect others time.

Based on true story.

I was at the wedding of one of my colleagues. I had worn an elegant dress and with that I had worn pearl accessories. Those pearl accessories really pretty. The necklace was very delicate and looked a really fantastic. A lot of my friends and colleagues had already complimented that it looked really gorgeous. But then there was a colleague who wanted to know everything about it.
"Where did you get it from?" Her eyes glued to my neck staring intensely at my necklace.
"I bought it from Amazon. Do you want the link for it?" I provided her with adequate details along with a polite enquiry.
"How much did you pay for it?" She asked me as if it was an appropriate question.
"I will share the link with you. You can see it for yourself," I tried to keep it as polite as possible.

A lot of people will question if this question was inappropriate at all? The answer is yes. It was definitely inappropriate. In the old times they used to say that a man's salary should not be asked and a woman's age should not be asked. This should for the extended in the modern times that nobody should ask the price of your outfit or accessory.

Let me share the explanation towards this. Nowadays people are judged based on their lifestyle choices. Though it is completely wrong this still happens. If someone buys something expensive then they are accused of contributing to the cruel capitalism. If someone by something from a well known brand then it is considered to be a showoff or open display of their wealth. If someone buys something that is inexpensive or cost effective then they are considered to be taking advantage of the poor. They are questioned if they have thought about how much did the worker earned from this purchase. If someone is buying something inexpensive then they are labelled as the promoters of underpaid industry. If someone purchases something mass made then they are judged as someone who is not supporting the handcrafted or artisanal articles. If someone buys handcrafted articles, then they are judged as being "behind the time" and not using the modern means. Every purchase invites judgements. All these judgements are completely incorrect. Yet these judgements continue in the modern times. Nobody likes to be judged but everybody is willing to judge others in a heartbeat.

When there are questions asked about the price of the product then a lot of judgements come in play. A simple answer will invite more questions and more judgement. Hence according to me it is really in appropriate to ask the price of anything in today's world. If you are curious then simply ask the person if they are comfortable in sharing the link of the product or they would tell you from where they have purchased it. If they tell you then find out for yourself if that item is within your budget or if you are willing to pay the price for it. But do not directly ask the question how much it is.

Based on true story.

I had visited a friend's home. At her home some of her relatives had also come. In those relatives was a young couple. This couple had a young 2 year old child. The child was playing with his toys. Another elderly relative was around. The elderly relative words trying to feed chips to the young boy. The boy's mother politely told the elderly relative not to feed chips to her son, "he does not like them and also he gets cough after eating chips". But the elderly relative was reluctant, "chips do not hurt anybody. He should learn about the tastes. Otherwise he will be a fusdy eater. Here kid take these chips from grandpa,". The boy did not want to eat the chips yet the elderly relative was feeding those chips to him. When the mother politely told him again to not feed chips. Then he shouted at the mother, "modern parents are too much. They are too protective towards their children. We have raised our children and grandchildren. We know better than you and we know very well what to feed children. No wonder nowadays kids are so weak because their parents are not exposing them to anything." He was angry and the mother was little embarrassed with what had happened in front of me - a stranger.

This is something that frequently happens nowadays. I have seen a lot of elderly people who are want to say the final word about the child's welfare. If the child's parents have instructed something to them they will completely disobey and would impose their own will. They would even go a step beyond to tell the parents how they are wrong. They tell the parents that they do not know how to raise children. They also say that they have raised a lot of children and hence they have better experience and knowledge. The child's parents tell them not to do something then they say that as grandparents they are not getting enough privileges with their grandkids. But they do not understand: It is not about you. It is about children.

This is something the elder generation needs to understand. They need to understand that they should not go beyond the wishes and wills of the parents. Let the parents decide what they want for their own children. Let the parents decide what the child should or should not eat. Let the parents make all the decisions without any interference. If the parents want any advice they would approach you or somebody else but otherwise do not tell the parents what they should do. Let the parents do their job even if it is incorrect. Elders should also understand that they are not above the parents. They have no right to defy the parents and impose their wishes onto the young children.

A lot of elderly people often say that they want to impart their learnings to the new generation. But by using or imposing themselves on the younger generation or the children is definitely not helpful. Tell your learnings to the younger generation and let the younger generation decide whether they want to take it or they want to take a different route. This is the need of the hour and the elderly generation need to understand that they are not the parents of the young kids. Let the biological parents make the decision for their own children.

Based on true events.

I was travelling using a ride sharing service. When I boarded the vehical two gentleman were already seated. After me another passenger was supposed to board. This passenger happened to be a young woman. The woman boarded the cab and that is when the whole situation took a different turn. The woman was accompanied by a man supposedly her boyfriend, husband, or romantic partner (could be a situationship as well). The women boraded the cab and rolled down the window to speak with the man. Their romantic conversation was continued. They continued to talk to each other romantically for another five minutes. Their romantic conversation did not seem to get over at all. Nobosy including the cab driver had any issue with tgis. I wanted to reach my destination on time and hence I decided to intervene. I said "please end the conversation quickly so that we can move. We have been waiting for over 5 minutes and all of us need to reach somewhere". My direct message definitely did not sit well with the romantic couple. The man got agitated and said, "if you are in hurry, book yourself an exclusive cab". He did not realise that he had just opened the can of worms.
"This is not your private vehicle, it is a shared vehicle. You do not get exclusive privileges in a shared vehicle. It is the basic decency not to waste anybody else's time for the personal conversation. It is unfortunate that nobody taught you that. You have no right to waste the time of remaining for people in this cab," I responded to him with facts. Remaining two passengers in the cab overheard the commotion and looked up from their phone. The cab driver finally found the courage to speak, "there will be a waiting charge applied to your service" he informed the woman. Both of them looked at me angrily but at least I was able to end the wait time. The man cursed me that I would not be able to find love because I had interrupted a conversation between a loving couple. I did not mind at all. But this incident made me realise that nowadays people do not even have the basic decency to understand the value of someone else's time.

I wish this was an only incident. There have been many instances where people hold up and waste other people's time. Unfortunately this is the reality of today. Hence I believe it is a crucial lesson for the people: Your time may not be important but that does not mean others' time is not important too. You have no right to hold up and waste someone else's time.

Let me make it clear I am not targeting any specific population here. Teenagers, young people, and even older generation are guilty of wasting the time of someone else because of their hold up. Everybody needs to understand that their problems are not the world's problems and hence if they need to wait up they should ensure that nobody else is suffering because of them. Understand that only they have the authority over their own time. They do not have the authority over someone else's time.

I believe this is the least we can ask from everyone. Respect your own time and respect others time as well.