Forbidden questions

There are certain questions that should never be asked to anyone. Sometimes people are not educated enough to refrain from asking such questions. Sometimes some of the people have no bad intentions yet unknowingly they ask the question. Sometimes people have malicious intentions and they ask those questions deliberately. One of such questions is "have you lost weight?"

This is one of the questions that had always haunted me. In my teen years I had gained weight because of the hormonal changes that occur naturally. In my early 20s I lost weight because the hormones stabilized. I had lost the weight naturally without any medications or crash diets. After losing the weight I was hounded by a lot of people to ask questions about my weight. They would ask me how I had lost the weight? Which treatment did I use for using the weight? When I would say that I had lost weight without any treatment then they would say that I had been lying to keep the secret. But overall the question "have you lost the weight" definitely bothered me.

Like me then what have been a lot of people who can relate to this. Being at the receiving end of any questions related to health and specifically weight feels very uncomfortable and intrusive. I am sure a lot of people who had dealt with weight gain or weight loss definitely find it very embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about it. It is a health journey that should not be discuss to openly. It is as a private as any health issue and it is not open for discussion or debate. This is something that needs to be understood by everyone. Health and weight are two topics which should remain private always. Unless the person who has these health issues bring it up it on their own, these should not be talked about in public or in private.

Health struggle including with struggle are very real and distressful. Any person dealing with weight loss or weight gainde definitely goes through a lot of scrutiny. They have a battle with their health. They have to fight against their own bodies. This is not only a physical battle but sometimes it is a mental battle too. This battle is exhausting. The person who goes through this nose very well how difficult it is to fight our own self along with the judgement of other people. People who overcome this struggle do not want to be asked about their journey. If they want to talk about it they would speak about it themselves. But any questions which are interrogating their journey should absolutely be avoided.

This is something from my perspective who had been at the end of this spectrum. It is a sincere request to the readers: do not ask the questions about anybody is weight and their weight loss journey. Let it stay private.

Based on true events.

I was at a party. I was with a very close friend of mine Sudha who was telling me about her health struggles. She had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid function) a couple of years ago and she had been struggling a lot to manage her weight. The diet and exercise were not helping her at all. With medications as well her T3, T4, and TSH levels were nowhere close to normal. The doctors have told her that she should not conceive till the thyroid function has normalised. She was worried and was on the verge to breaking down. This is when we were interrupted by another friend who asked Sudha, "hey have you gained weight?" Sudha did not answer but she was barely able to control her tears.

I am sure that you must have experienced similar exchange in your life. It is very sad and disheartening when people question about the weight gain or weight loss. I have been on both side of spectrum so I know very well that questions related to weight hurt a lot.

People who are overweight (or chonky to say politely) are very well aware that they have gained weight. Most people are trying their best to lose the weight. They definitely do go on diets to lose weight. They exercise to lose weight. Very few people that I know were obese and were not doing anything to shed those extra pounds. Yet for everyone the struggle is different.

A lot of people do not understand that losing weight is not easy if it is because of underlying conditions. If the weight gain is because of hormonal imbalance then the weight reduction is very difficult. The weight cannot reduce until and unless the hormones are balanced and stay within the limit. And of course when hormones are disrupted then bringing them back to normal is a herculean task. When hormone disruption takes place, then it takes years to normalise the levels of those hormones. In some cases they do not normalise after the treatment too. Hence in these cases the weight reduction is not easy and the diet or exercise may not help. In certain other health issues the weight gain is because of underline metabolic disorders. In these cases as well diet and exercise are useless because the underlying cause for weight gain is something different.

People who are obsessed with someone else's weight generally are not aware of these medical complications. Because if they were aware of these medical complications they would not have asked such denigrating questions about the persons weight, would not have handed over dietitian's numbers, or would not have suggested diet plans as if they were the experts. It is really unfortunate to see in today's world that despite having availability to information everywhere, people do not use it and do not take the health issues with appropriate sensitivity. But they are always ahead to ask the question "have you gained weight?"

To my readers I have a humble request: if you see an obese person anywhere, do not make fun of them. Do not ask them if they have gained weight. Do not ask them if they are dieting or have an exercise plan. You do not know their struggles. Just leave them alone.

Based on true events.

I met one of my very close friend, Neeta in the office. We had been friends for over 10 years and she had the confidence in me to talk about her worries and fears.
"I have been a married for over 7 years. Nowadays I am afraid to go to any of the family events. I know that there will be one question that I would have to answer repetitively. Whenever I go anywhere the elder relatives always ask me when am I planning to become pregnant. They ask me as if the hold up is from my side. They look at me with the expression as if I am restricting to conceive. It becomes really unbearable. Both of us have been trying really hard but unfortunately we were not able to conceive. The doctor has advised me against IVF because according to him my body cannot take it. It is really getting hard each and every day," Neeta was trying not to cry. Her struggle made me really sad and disturbed.

This entire incident made me think of the mentality of elderly people. I do not understand why does anybody need to ask the couple about their family planning.

In today's world there are many hurdles towards family planning. First is the stability in their profession. After completing the education it takes 3 to 5 years to get stabilized in the profession. After that there will always be opportunities towards promotion at the same time there will be a fear of recession or layoffs. In today's world where we know layoffs are very common then it becomes really difficult to take on any responsibility that would add to the financial struggles. Accept it or not, the reality is that having kids is expensive nowadays. If you are struggling with finances then the decision to start the family should be postponed.

Other than financial aspect there comes the aspect regarding the health. Nowadays a lot of health problems start in 20s or 30s which earlier would start in 50s or 60th. Each individual should first focus on resolving their own health issues before planning to start a family. Simply because if you are not able to take care of yourself, you would not be take care of another member who is completely dependent on you.

Next issue is with respect to the preparedness of the parents. A lot of people easily jump on to ask the couple when they are starting the family. However nobody even ask them if they are ready to start the family. Rather I believe this question should not be asked at all. It should completely be at the discretion of the couple if they want to have children or when they want to have children.

Considering all the aspects I am a strong believer that the question of when are you starting the family is completely inappropriate. This question should never be asked. Let the couple decide themselves. Let them decide if they want to have children. Let the couple decide when do they want to have children. The couple consists of 2 grown adult individuals who know what is good for them and have the capacity to make the decisions for themselves. Do not embarrass them or yourself by asking the question "when are you planning to start the family".